When faced with change in life, whether good or bad, most people have a tendency to evaluate their situation, their career, their relationships, and so on. This is of course only natural. You get set in a certain pattern, develop certain habits, maybe even become somewhat robotic in your daily interactions. When something comes along and disrupts that, you’re forced to stop and evaluate what happened, what changed. And then you probably re-evaluate your first conclusion for errors.

I’ve always been the type to evaluate everything(and most who know me well enough would say I’m the type to over-evaluate). I’m constantly looking for meaning behind why things happen the way they do, why people make the choices they make, etc. and then I evaluate what could have been done to improve the situation or the choice. I like to see improvement in anything of which I am a part. My stance is if you aren’t improving, you’re declining. There is no stagnation in life. That’s not to say I’m always improving. I’ve taken as many “backsteps” in life as most others, improvement is just something for which I always strive.

With the recent drastic change in my life, I was confronted with thoughts of why it is that I do what I do. In my case, what I do is a combination of two components, music and ministry. There is nothing I feel quite as passionate about in life as the redeeming love of God and the gift He has given us that is music. But even still, as with any sort of change that shakes a persons foundation, I found myself questioning whether I truly felt passionate about these two things. And if I truly did, why?

It just so happens that one of my favorite worship bands, Rend Collective, released a new album about two weeks ago. Since getting it, I haven’t stopped listening to it. I’m serious. I play it non-stop in my office, in my car, and on my phone at home. On this album, they have a song called Simplicity. The more I listen to it, the more I view it as an anthem for my current situation. It speaks of coming to God in simplicity because of our impurities, our brokenness, our faults…It speaks of coming back to God as our first love, our true love, and He being the reason we sing. The reason I sing. Listening to this song was like a light bulb clicking on in my head. Why do I do what I do? Why would I even ask that question? More like, why would I ever do anything else? We serve an amazing God who takes us in our most broken state, knows our deepest faults and imperfections, and still puts us back together working intricately to make His love known all the way. I have no doubt God that You are the reason that I sing.

Simplicity

I come in simplicity
Longing for purity
To worship You
In spirit and truth
Only You

Lord strip it all away
‘Til only You remain
I’m coming back
To my first love
Only You

You’re the reason I sing
The reason I sing
Yes my heart will sing
How I love You
And forever I’ll sing
Forever I’ll sing
Yes my heart will sing
How I love You

I come with my broken song
To You the Perfect One
To worship You
In spirit and truth
Only You
Only You

Give me a childlike heart
Lead me to where You are
Cause I’m coming back
To my first love
Only You

You’re the reason I sing
The reason I sing
Yes my heart will sing
How I love You
And forever I’ll sing
Forever I’ll sing
Yes my heart will sing
How I love You

How I love You
How I love You
How I love You
My first love

You’re the reason I sing
The reason I sing
Yes my heart will sing
How I love You
And forever I’ll sing
Forever I’ll sing
Yes my heart will sing
How I love You

About a month ago I wrote a post for the first time in almost a year. I intended to start back up and use the blog as a channel of discussing my path to a physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally healthier me. Over the course of the past month, I’ve written several posts of a personal nature only to end up deleting them, not feeling ready to bear my shortcomings and wounds along with my triumphs. I turned to private journaling which has been a much needed escape for me right now (and something I will most likely continue for the rest of my life, I highly recommend it). I do however, feel as if I’m now finally ready to become more public with everything I’ve been going through. How my life has been interrupted.

My wife and I are getting a divorce. We have been married for three and a half years but have been dating since our junior year of high school. 10 years. I loved her with my whole heart. Complete and total head over heels, Cupid’s arrow, love bug, looking at her through rose colored glasses, and every other possible cliche kind of love. I loved her to a fault (we’ll revisit this). So, you can imagine how broken and devastated I was in early February to find out she wanted a separation. I mean broken. I fell quick, I fell hard, and I feel deep into a mess of mistakes. I won’t get into details right now, still too soon, but both of us made a lot of mistakes early on in the separation. These mistakes led to us moving from separation into divorce proceedings which is where we currently sit.

Now…I’m okay. I’m not good. But I am okay. Like I said, I have made more mistakes and have been to more dark places within the last two months than in the entirety of my life preceding this situation. So, I’m not just needing to heal from the situation and the pain but also from my own shortcomings. The good news though is that I AM HEALING. Like I said, I’m not good, I’m okay. But a month ago, “okay” was not even in sight. It’s progress and progress is so very important to me right now. I’m finally at the point where I’m not looking in the mirror saying, “Be as good as you were before all this happened. Just stop this and be happy.” That simply isn’t possible right now. Instead, I’m looking in the mirror and saying, “Be a better person, a happier and healthier person, more so today than you were yesterday.” That has been so key to my progress. That and pretty much the most incredible group of supportive people for which someone in this situation could ask. (Seriously, you all know who you are, if you’re reading this. I love each and every one of you so dearly.)

So, I’m going to start blogging as much as my time allows. I’m going to delve into some personal aspects of my life. This blog will be about how I am becoming physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally healthier each day (and even more about hopefully helping others do the same). Some days will be better than others, many highs and many lows. But all that really matters is that I’m making progress. That I am no longer living a life interrupted.

I started this blog over a year ago and was going strong for about two or three weeks. Then for about a month I continued to change my lifestyle but encountered some personal issues and got busy. Eventually I just pretty much gave up. When I started this blog a year ago I weighed 249 lbs. At the start of this year I weighed 238 lbs. In a year, I lost 11 lbs. Not quite the results I was looking for.

At the start of the year, I began anew with my fitness goals. I was actually doing decent through January when once again I began to face personal issues. Throughout the month of February I have dealt with one of the most incredibly devastating situations I have ever faced. But instead of letting that get to me and preventing my fitness goals, I used it to fuel my motivation. At the end of February, I weighed in at 221 lbs. I’ve already lost 17 lbs in two months! Not only that but I already feel more energized, I feel more aware, I genuinely already feel healthier. I’m not dieting, I’m making eating choices that are helping me reach my fitness goals. I’m not working out to look ripped. I’m working out to feel healthy.

I’m restarting this blog because I’d like to document my path to a healthy me. But also because this is a stressful time in my life full of anxiety and even some depression. I say that so that I can also point out that not only does exercise and proper nutrition improve my health and looks, it makes me FEEL better about myself. It has been the absolute number one way for me to relieve stress and anxiety. I don’t know if anyone will ever read this. I probably won’t promote it. But if you do and you’re in a similar situation in life, I hope you can find some hope in my words and my path to a healthier me…