Millennials leaving church because articles tell them they are

I don’t know if you noticed or not but there have been a lot of articles about why the millennial generation is leaving the church. Everything from “10 Reasons You Need A Church Coffee Shop” to “Episcopals vs. Evangelicals: A Battle of the Ages” is taking over social media news feeds. Well, in a shocking twist, new research polls indicate that millennials are leaving the church because the articles are telling them they are.

Jessica Owens is a 26 year-old blogger, community activist, and Barista at Grounds for Cause, an ethically-sourced local coffee shop that donates proceeds to various charities. Jessica grew up in church but was on the fence about continuing with her faith until she saw the articles.

“I was enjoying my venti, soy, non-fat, no whip, half-caff, iced, vanilla chai tea latte when I decided to take a break from blogging about the new vinyls and vintage record player I scored at Urban Outfitters,” said Owens. “I made the usual stops: Tumblr, Reddit, Twitter…when I decided to check Facebook for the first time in ages. There were all these articles about millennials leaving the church up and down my newsfeed. I just felt like it was, like, literally a sign.”

Blaze Johnson, currently unemployed and living in his parents basement, felt pressured to leave because his church wasn’t relevant enough. “This one article I read was going on and on about how churches needed louder music and rock stars. I was like, ‘Whoa, my church doesn’t have louder music or rock stars. Guess it’s time to bail.’ I just didn’t want to be irrelevant.”

Tyler Williams had loud music and rock stars but was shocked when he read an article saying contemporary music isn’t “spiritual enough”. “I couldn’t believe it when the article told me I wasn’t getting ‘spiritually fed’ since our music was written after 2000. I hadn’t realized it before so I had to get out of that church.”

This has proven to be a huge sigh-of-relief to churches across America who now realize they aren’t doing anything wrong, they can just continue to blame it on the mainstream media. Rachel Held Evans and Tim Keller had not responded to requests for comments as of the writing of this article.

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