Faith is the art of holding on to things in spite of your changing moods and circumstances.
I have always felt strong in my faith. I’ve had seasons where I maybe wasn’t as close to God as I should have been but I’ve never struggled with believing that He truly loved me. A few months ago, when I started to have serious doubts about God’s care and concern for me, I didn’t know what to do. So, I began to lash out at Him. I began to wonder how He could allow something so very devastating to happen to me. I’ve lived my life for Him. I’ve devoted my life and career to service in His ministry and this was His way of rewarding me. I was angry with God.
Here’s the first problem with that: never once has God said that life was or would be fair. Often times, people like to point to Jeremiah 29:11 and say that life should be a bed of roses. Read the entire 29th chapter of Jeremiah and you find out that the hope and future God is promising in verse 11 is amidst slavery, trials, and turbulence. God promises hope but He doesn’t promise an easy life or a fair life. He promises a future but it may not be the future you had in mind.
Here’s the second problem: I was blaming God for someone else’s choices that go against His will. God didn’t cause my wife to leave me. He allowed it to happen through the direction of His own sovereignty and her free will, but He didn’t cause it. So why should I blame Him? Why should I doubt His will and His plan for my life because of someone else’s choices?
Tony Evans has said “Sometimes, God lets you hit rock bottom so that you will discover that He is the rock at the bottom”. That very much describes my state during all this doubt. I had to crash because it truly was the only way I was going to turn to God. During that crash, I turned to a variety of sources for answers and happiness or simply an opportunity to numb the pain. None of them could compare to the answers, the joy, and the deliverance from pain that comes with Christ.
The doubt, anger, and confusion I was experiencing was completely normal during a time of grief but it’s important that we not give in to those doubts. It’s important that we keep our faith even in the most uncertain times.